You'll be bright

Some music that gives me hope:

I like this song because it points to hope for the future, and all the things that are out there to explore, but it's not pollyanna-ish. Here are the lyrics:

All the things you'll love,
All the things that may hurt you,
All the things you shouldn't do,
And all the things you want to...
They're calling your name...travel safely.

Every first kiss, every crisis, every heartbreak and every act of kindness...
They're calling your name...travel safely.
Every empire, every monument, every masterpiece and every invention,
They're calling your name...travel safely.

I found stars on the tip of your tongue.
You speak Poltergeist, so do I. So do I.

What comes will come.
What goes will go.
The wind will blow where the wind is blowing.
Let go of where you think you're going.
We'll never know why it flows where it's flowing.

We've always been what we will always be.
I'm so convinced we have to get there, we can part the sea.
So bring the dead to life, turn your blood to wine.
All your life you have waited for this moment to arrive.

And you'll be bright.

Not much to say here, except the lyrics show how life has its ups and downs, but we can get through if we travel safely.

Catch and release

Everyone struggles with emotions and moods. For me, this is difficult, as I have struggled with depression on and off throughout my life. As well, years of using has created a very deep well of self-doubt and negative emotions.

One of the things I'm learning in recovery is to not hang on to those emotions, fears, anxieties and moods. People talk about "observing" the urge, or the emotion, or whatever. Instead of embracing it, acknowledging its presence, but not allowing it to take control of your state of mind.

Obviously, this is easier said than done. The other day in chat, someone mentioned something that I thought was a good analogy to the way I should handle these feelings.

This person was talking about how they liked to go fishing. When they were fishing, they practiced "catch and release." For those not familiar with fishing, this is when a person will fish for the sport of it, but after hooking a fish and bringing it ashore, or on board the boat, will unhook the fish and release it back into the water.

I think I would do a lot better if I would adopt a "catch and release" policy toward negative emotions, urges, and the like. Usually, a thought will come along like "you really are stupid" or something, and I'll catch that thought and hang on to it, when instead, I should catch the thought, look at it, and throw it back in the depths.

Overconfidence

What is the difference between being confident in recovery and being overconfident in recovery?

I was thinking about this as someone in a chat mentioned something called the "pink cloud," a time when people who are recovering are almost "giddy" with their new way of life, and they think they are invincible somehow. This "high" is then shattered when they do something like relapse.

I will admit that I have been somewhat "giddy" over the last week or so. But I hope I am not overconfident.

The program of recovery I'm in (not AA) gives me a number of "tools" to assess situations, attitudes, emotions, and life experiences. Along with meetings and chatting with people and asking for help when needed, this has helped me to feel confident that - if I'm prepared - I can handle myself in situations where I might be tempted.

One thing that has kept me from getting overconfident is the fact that I am still cleaning up messes from before I started recovery. And there are some stressors that are coming up soon related to work that will test my peace of mind, I am sure.

So, to me, confidence is knowing that I have the tools to cope, if I use them. Overconfidence would be if I got to a point where I didn't think I needed to prepare, or use the tools, and tried to cope on my own. Overconfidence is me saying "I got this."

'Small' victories

Today marked a day of victory for me. I had a situation over the weekend where I was going to be faced with temptation. Thanks to preparation, some wise counsel, and a clear mind and resolve, the weekend went off without a hitch, and I did not succumb to the temptation.

Many people might not see this as a 'big' thing. But for me, it was huge. The first time I'd really faced a situation like this during my recovery. So tonight, when I got home, I celebrated quietly with a tall glass of ice water. :)

I am not overconfident because of this success. I realize it's only the first of many such occasions I will face going forward, some of which will be much more difficult.

But for today, this was a win for Team Egg! I will take the victories, and resolve to remember them when the next battle is joined.

Days Like This

In a chat earlier, people were talking about the phrase "mama told me there'd be days like this." I flashed back to this song by Van Morrison.

Someone asked how this would be a positive song. I think it's positive because Van Morrison is turning the phrase on its head. There will be days when things all seem to fall into place. If today, my day is going badly, and things don't seem to be clicking, or everything just seems to be falling apart around me, my negative thinking sees only these dark clouds and bad times. But the song (and I love the arrangement as well) reminds me that there are days when that won't be the case. See for yourself with the lyrics below.

When it's not always raining there'll be days like this
When there's no one complaining there'll be days like this
When everything falls into place like the flick of a switch
Well my mama told me there'll be days like this

When you don't need to worry there'll be days like this
When no one's in a hurry there'll be days like this
When you don't get betrayed by that old Judas kiss
Oh my mama told me there'll be days like this

When you don't need an answer there'll be days like this
When you don't meet a chancer there'll be days like this
When all the parts of the puzzle start to look like they fit
Then I must remember there'll be days like this
[From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/v/van-morrison-lyrics/days-like-this-lyrics.html]

When everyone is up front and they're not playing tricks
When you don't have no freeloaders out to get their kicks
When it's nobody's business the way that you wanna live
I just have to remember there'll be days like this

When no one steps on my dreams there'll be days like this
When people understand what I mean there'll be days like this
When you ring out the changes of how everything is
Well my mama told me there'll be days like this

Oh my mama told me
There'll be days like this
Oh my mama told me
There'll be days like this
Oh my mama told me
There'll be days like this
Oh my mama told me

Personal pronouns

Sometimes, when I'm reading something about recovery, I will read a phrase like, "When we are feeling down, we tend to ..." or "You may think you can't do ..."

If (when) I write something I think about recovery, I am going to always try to remember to use the first person pronouns "I," "me" and "mine."

I won't presume to talk "for" anyone or "to" anyone. Anything you read here, unless I quote someone, is just my experience. Take whatever you think might be helpful, and leave the rest.

Thanksgiving

This is a song I listened to a lot a long time ago, and it has a particular meaning when I'm trying to recover. The lyrics are below the video.

Thanksgiving - Poi Dog Pondering

Somehow I find myself far out of line
 from the ones I had drawn
 Wasn't the best of paths, you could attest to that,
 but I'm keeping on.
 Would our paths cross if every great loss
 had turned out our gain?
 Would our paths cross if the pain it had cost us
 was paid in vain?
 There was no pot of gold, hardly a rainbow
 lighting my way
 But I will be true to the red, black and blues
 that colored those days.
 I owe my soul to each fork in the road,
 each misleading sign.
 'Cause even in solitude, no bitter attitude
 can dissolve my sweetest find
 Thanksgiving for every wrong move that made it right.

Hello there

I've created this blog as a place to write down some thing about recovery. It's mostly for my own benefit, as a place to keep links and things I find online, so I can revisit them later.